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Chip Brown.

Icee Freeze

I once decided I would live forever by being frozen before I died. Then I saw how much that costs. And besides that, they don't freeze the whole you, they lop off your head and freeze that. Now tell me, what good does it do to thaw me out and tell me...The good news is we can now cure your Bora Bora fever, but the bad news is, we no longer have your body.

You know, when I first started talking about this, my cousin Ed said that for $100 he would toss me in the freezer on his back porch. Sounded like a pretty good plan except for being woken up every thirty days when his freezer runs out of gas.

Nope, if I want my head frozen I'll go down to the convenience store, buy myself a slushy and drink it all in one gulp. I actually tried this the other day. I went down to Weigels and bought myself a large Cola Icee (on sale for 50 cents). I decided, as I drove off to see how much I could drink in one long draw on my straw. Not a good idea.

If you drove down Tazewell Pike the other day and saw someone sitting on the edge of the road in a Toyota, beating their head against the steering wheel...that was me. Nothing hurts worse than freezing your sinus cavities with a frozen taste treat.

So I went to the doctor to have a mole removed. I figured, whack whack snip snip and the mole would be surgically removed. No such luck for me. Since I have Joe's Discount Health Insurance, only the worst treatment was good enough for me. The doctor decided to freeze the mole off.

Psst went the liquid nitrogen as he applied it. It made the Icee headache feel like a drug rush. As I clawed the edge of the chair he sprayed again! By the third spray I was flashing back to Vietnam and began confessing to war crimes. Unusual, since I was never in Vietnam. By the fourth spray I was begging to keep the mole.

Oh well, my wife bought me a pizza for being a good boy at the doctor's. And I guess it's a good thing that the mole is gone now. However, it's a bad thing that the mole has been replaced by a huge red thing. A huge swollen red thing that looks quite angry.

My doctor says that it will fall off in a few days. He warned me that if I kept picking at it I'd get face rot and die. Well, he never actually said I'd get face rot, but it just seems likely doesn't it?

And while I was there, my doctor was offering 1/2 price Flu shots, so I decided to take advantage of it. I'm just a sucker for a good deal after all. I checked on the price of a lobotomy but I'll have to save a bit longer for that.

I guess all in all it wasn't a bad trip to the doctor. I even think the flu shot is working, I'm hot, hurt all over and sneezing my head off.

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