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Chip Brown.

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Sense It

I am a sensitive guy! I cry at the end of every Meryl Streep movie that comes on. In fact, I start crying the minute my wife tells me I have to watch it. I cry and gripe all the way through it.

But no matter how sensitive a guy is, no matter how well he treats a lady, no matter how many lost puppies he brings home...There is a part of every man that just loves to see two big sweaty guys just beating the tar out of each other!

Sure, we all know that wrestling is fake, but what women don't understand is, we don't care. Women watch Soap Operas, there is no difference, other than wrestling is slightly believable. My wife is watching one now where some baby has been kidnapped and half the town is looking for it. Sounds reasonable doesn't it? Problem is, half the town thinks it's their baby. There's like five people who think they're the baby's father. It was switched at birth so many times, I've lost count. No problem though, the evil guy who has the baby intends to clone it. Solves the problem doesn't it? Everyone can have their own copy of the baby.

Now, granted, I'm not a big fan of how the wrestlers get out there and badmouth each other. Less talk and more wrestle is what I say. No man can deny that seeing some dufus get smacked be-twixt the legs with a ladder is entertaining.

I once went to a live wrestling event. I had a friend who could get tickets to anything, so we went. Seemed to me that the asylum had let out that day and the assorted nuts had gone to the wrestling matches. I was surrounded by morons, idiots and numbskulls, my sort of crowd! It was this day I came to realize that the average wrestling fan wasn't the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

What I didn't realize was that the average fan age at a live wrestling event was about 8. I was surrounded by kids! I felt like I was on some bizarre episode of Captain Kangaroo.

Then the most surprising thing I saw that night was my own reaction. I actually got into the events. I found myself standing and shouting obscenities at the wrestlers just like all the other fans. In fact, the only difference in me and the rest of the fans was the fact I was old enough to drive.

That's when it happened. I was cursing and swearing at some guy they call the Big Bossman. I was simply comparing him to Ronald McDonald's Grimace character. This little kid next to me in the seats, of course wearing a Bossman shirt took exception to my comments. He said something regarding the lack of my intelligence and I told him to shut up or...

Didn't get the rest of it out before he had kicked me in the goods. If this kid was a wrestler they'd call him Pint Sized Peon. So I grabbed Pint Sized Peon in a headlock, similar to the one I had seen demonstrated earlier in the ring. I drug him around in vain trying to find a turnbuckle to beat his third grade head against.

It was my search for a turnbuckle that caused me to miss Pint Sized Peon's tag with his partner Large Smelly Boy. Large Smelly Boy began to attack me with a rolled up copy of his wrestling program. Fortunately for me, I was able to keep my grip on Pint Sized Peon and grab Large Smelly Boy by the hair.

Now, I know that holding the hair is illegal in wrestling but, I don't see anyone getting penalized for it. I was just about to clomp their melons together when I spotted their manager...Angry Grandma.

That's when these two third grade tough guys turned on me. Crying hysterically Pint Sized Peon and Large Smelly Boy began to scream..."Granny this bad man is bothering us!"

Angry Grandma began swinging her cane at me. Fortunately, I was able to block most of her swings with the side of my head. I don't remember much about the rest of the match. Anyone know how to get Polident out of your hair?

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