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Chip Brown.

Earth Bush

I saw on TV this morning where the President's daughter Jenna Bush got arrested for using a fake ID at an Austin bar. This girls seemed to have taken the brains from her daddy.

"Yes, my name is Enriquo Fernandez," she would say, "please pay no attention to the five Secret Service agents with me."

This young lady has been on every news show coming and going since her last arrest for drunken horse theivery. No wait, that was some country music singer. But no matter, she's been on TV since her last arrest, whatever it was for. But she still thinks she can wander into a bar with a fake ID.

Everyone see her dad the President out in the Federal Park talking about how much he loves trees? Bet he'd love them more if for one he could spell tree, and two if trees bled crude oil.

I guess I give old George W. a hard time, but it's just so darn easy. Fact is, I'm no fan of the hippie tree hugging nuts who want to save everyting. Save the whales? Where would we put them all? And the fact is, if we cut down all the trees in the forest, there would certainly be less forest fires, now wouldn't there?

These people tell me all about global warming. Yeah right, next time I have to change the battery in my truck in 20 degree weather I think I'll call and ask for an explanation of why their warm feels so cold.

But the people I feel sorry for are the chipmunks. They live in those trees we want to cut down. I can see them returning home from a long day of nut gathering to find their home being hauled away on the back of a truck. I have visions of them following this truck into town and watching their homes converted into furniture. Several wacky adventures later they carry all the furniture back to the woods and live in it!...Wait that wasn't a vision, that was just on Disney last night.

Scientists this summer are going to send up a satellite to study the ozone layer over the North Pole. Good luck, last night on the news I was told the ozone layer over the North Pole is gone and has been replaced by a big hole. Maybe I should call them and let them know. Naw, I guess I'll let them blast it off. Maybe it'll fall on Australia like all the rest of our space junk.

We're told the sun, once the ozone layer is depleted will kill us all in 5,000 years. Maybe it's just me but that time scale makes smoking cigarettes look like suicide. Don't think I'll be around 5,000 years from now to see it.

But if it's really that big of a problem I guess I should develop a plan. I'll write my plan down and put it in a time capsule and bury it in my backyard. Let's see, the styrofoam we make is depleting the ozone, making it possible for the sun to kill us 5,000 years from now. Maybe we could stop making styrofoam! No, that's not a good idea, those paper coffee cups burn my hands.

We should destroy the sun!

Hey, it seems to me that sun thing is causing all this trouble, let's launch a missle or something and take it out. After all we have lightbulbs for light and heaters for heat. It's sort of outdated now anyway.

See, for every problem there is a simple solution. If the trees and forests keep catching fire in Calfornia, I say cut them down. If the sun starts killing people and giving me severe burns I say blow it out like a candle! Why do I have to do all the thinking for you people?

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