This page ©2001
Chip Brown.

Toys R Me

I enjoy playing with Tonka Toys. There I admitted it, I feel better already. It's a sad country when you can't sit in your own back yard and play with Tonka Toys. My wife says my neighbors laugh because I'm 35 years old. Yet she refuses to buy me a real bulldozer. She cites that tractor incident three years ago. It wasn't my fault, I thought the dog would move. And besides that, I got him out of the tree...most of him anyway.

The doctor says we're having a little girl this September. Girls like to play with Tonka Toys too don't they? I can see us sitting out at the dirt pile just building roads right and left. And no, Barbie isn't invited! I don't play with Barbie Dolls.

In fact, when I was a kid I made fun of my friends who had GI Joes. I pointed out that "Action Figure" really meant sissy boy dollie.

I saw one of those Easy Bake Ovens the other day. The girl across the street had one when I was a kid. They never baked stuff, they just sort of congeled things. But there on the side of the box was a warning. Not a warning about burnt fingers and stuff, but a warning that stated this oven doesn't get hot enough to kill e-coli bacteria, not to be used in restaurants. Mary's cupcakes were disgusting enough without carrying a fatal disease.

What sort of warning is this? I think everyone knows that a cupcake baked with a lightbulb might not be the highest quality. What sort of dolt would need a warning like that?

I think they should put realistc warnings on products. Maybe a warning on Pokemon toys that says: This toy is known to cause a child's first addiction, soon to be followed by cigarettes, beer and cocaine.

Maybe a warning on the famous Chutes and Ladders game that says something along the lines: Chutes and Ladders do not actually work. Small pieces may fit in a child's nose. Man, I could have used that one! After we got back from the doctor my wife threw the game away.

I think lava lamps should be labeled: Does not contain real lava, but red liquid will stain carpet and anger your wife. Could have benefited from that warning too.

If I ever saw a toy that needed a warning it's that Big Mouthed Billy Bass thing. You know the singing fish toy found in greater redneck homes? When someone walks by it sings "Take me To The River". That thing should be labeled: What are you thinking?

I had an idea for a good redneck toy like that once. It was a man's tie that when a pretty girl walked by, it stuck out and waved around and made a loud whistle. Never really got it perfected, since that lady's boyfriend tied me to a tree with my prototype.

But, sometimes I have good ideas like that, some just don't work out. I saw this adult kid's toy that played recorded messages all day. You remember the commercial where they guy would push the button and listen to his own recorded voice to remind himself to pick up the kids at the playground. Yeah right, like some guy is going to go home and tell his wife he forgot where he left the kids.

But I got to thinking, maybe I could make a device that allows wives to record nags. Often times husbands get off by themselves and forget all the nagging the little wife did that morning. It would hook to the husband's belt and would play random nags all day.

Often times I find myself needing to be reminded to watch out for that car as I drive down the road. But my wife has to work and can't be there all the time to nag me about my driving.

With my device wives could nag their husbands 24 hours a day no matter where the husband goes or hides....um....wait...this isn't a good idea...never mind.

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